| Wednesday, September 20th, 2017 |
| 4:10 pm |
the end.
i'm putting a cap on this one. how do i send an invite so that i may start again elsewhere? |
| Saturday, September 16th, 2017 |
| 11:33 am |
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| Friday, September 15th, 2017 |
| 11:47 am |
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| Sunday, September 10th, 2017 |
| 4:40 pm |
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| Saturday, September 9th, 2017 |
| 7:25 pm |
some romanian satanist who hacked our server put an ancient romanian curse on it. i said i don't if these things work on computers but come on, child i want my websites back. grr. the industrial rubbers store was a blast. i'm still afraid to run into the shitbag. today went by like nothing & tomorrow's friday already. damn. don't forget to be fabulous. i'm on the wheel again. & be fabulous with that too. every spoke. enjoy. |
| 2:17 am |
big mike; you called me again by accident last night so i got this long voicemail of chattering & backround music. those are the best. that last brOOhaha thread made me think i should get out more. i must be leading a tremendously dull life..that is the one OUTSIDE my head. it's just hard to tell these days. i had 2 strangers in my house earlier & it was awkward. they smoked pot w/ tom & then left. now that it is 2:22 am i decide to drink beer just in case it will help me calm down. i wish i had a cigarette. i mean, i wish i was a smoker. just kidding, hugh. never eat those flavored falafel balls again. i was supposed to post a picture of me incognito. i'll do a revisited later. i'm lazy now. |
| Friday, September 8th, 2017 |
| 11:23 am |
tom yelled in the guy's face for raping me when that wasn't the case at all. but the guy was a shitbag & maybe deserved the accusation anyway even though i don't want to be seen as one of those women who yell rape. men who try to fuck me a second after i tell them i'm engaged should deseve some agony. i said i'm sorry i ran away but i was really freaked out cuz the guy lives around here & will see me again for sure. now tom's going to actually call the shitbag on the phone & correct things but this never shouldn't have happened in the first place. all i said was "that's the guy" & there's only one incident that happened recently to correspond with a cheery faced dominican man who lives around here who for some reason believes i would actually say 'hi how are you?" on the street to him while i'm arm n arm w my man. but i said "that's the guy" & he thought i meant the rapist. which is ridiculous because if it was the rapist i would've have cops follow him or something. i was shaking for a while last night. now i'm afraid to go out. i really am paranoid. i purposefully make it so no one knows me where i live. & no one knows me at work or at school. i live my home to be somewhere i can relax. there is a larger concentration of artists here than i thought. why don't people make more art? why isn't galapagos what it used to be? i wouldn't be so conspicuous otherwise. i suppose i can go out incognito today. maybe. tom did this hypnotic things with his fingers wiggling in front of a light & i was supposd to feel better thinking back at the moving fingers. |
| Wednesday, September 6th, 2017 |
| 9:48 pm |
there are too many documents. which is why i believe more should be made. especially if they're absurd or irrelavent, my hands smell like testicles & it's not my fault. because i did not want to start, i had that thorazine feeling without the thorazine. i died tom's hair red. i love that chemical smell but he doesn't. i think he should just shave his whole head & occasionally color it red & make patterns, ahh he keeps reading. .. i have hot new ideas for the next show. i wish i could format my brain a little. things are taking up too much space in there & only a certain percentage of memory is needed anyhow. must we reminisce? let's just erase the origin. |
| Monday, September 4th, 2017 |
| 12:47 pm |
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| Sunday, September 3rd, 2017 |
| 12:44 pm |
all of yesterday i thought my left was my right. i'm glad that cruise didn't kill me. actually now i'm waking up naturally at 6am. ok. so back to our regularly scheduled program of fecal obsessions, wigs, performance art & lack of purpose... |
| Saturday, September 2nd, 2017 |
| 6:47 am |
back in the usa.
(venice was exquisite.) i purchased some masks even though i'm kinda against costumes designed by others. i'm in staten island now thinking maybe i shouldn't go home right away because i want tom & i to get along or just expire sometimes. i know couples must fight but when we do i carry it with me & the guilt & the anger grows & i wish i could just let some stuff slide. i really need something rational to do with my brain. as of a few days ago i've been unstable & it's so hard. what maginifies the pain is seeing people because i'm like a brittle dam holding back all this shit. water is heavy. yet i know isolation is the worst thing for me. my work cannot be my art or i'll go mad. there must be something else like mathematical that's stapping me in. |
| Thursday, August 31st, 2017 |
| 9:17 am |
fuckin hell..can't she just expire? i remember the times we lived in the same house. i no longer blame myself for being aggravated. she is the most annoying human. my mother should pay my internet bill for dealing with this. you'd think the same thing if you were me. she pretends she doesn't speak english when it's convienient & even when i speak spanish to her she pretends she's deaf. yet miraculously she hears everything my mother tells her. i can't even read in my room now cuz she'll throw a hissy fit if one of the lights are on. & i can't sleep cuz the russian people next door are having party so loud the floor is vibrating. but the cunt is just deaf enough to say she can't hear them but she can hear me writing in my notebook. |
| Wednesday, August 30th, 2017 |
| 7:53 pm |
all that happened last night is that i lost it for 20 minutes in my formal wear at a dinner table as expected when one is under such circumstances for no apparent reason. i woke up this way & stretched it all the way through till the next morning. and now the demons are dissolving somewhere above my stomach & in my throat. so i ordered some red wine to the room & ran through the crowd of sequined people in heels because i was in my pajamas with makeup smeared on my face- you can't go anywhere in the ship on formal night in regular clothes if you don't want them to stare. there was an intense pulse. i was upset because my mother had responded to me with coldness. i'm thinking i never want to see these people again. nothing they do it out of character & see nothing wrong with constantly blowing their horns all over the tablecloth whenever we go anywhere. like yea i know you're militant patriotic and fucked in the head but i don't wanna hear about it anymore, i'd rather get my broke artstar friends to puke up all the tuna fish bought with the last of america's food stamps on their marble floors & power dance out the door accompanied by portnoy & laruocco firing glitter out of their asses singing zoot suit riot. |
| 2:44 am |
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| Tuesday, August 29th, 2017 |
| 8:24 pm |
i take after my grandmother. all mumbly to myself. nothing i think or say makes any sense. she makes me crazy whispering to herself so loud i can't hear the tv. i'm trying to hear the life story of cassanova & she keeps repeating the name "CAAASSANOOVA" over & over again in her "i gotta speak extra loud to hear myself cuz i'm going deaf" colombian grandmotherly voice. she asks me what time it is every 5 seconds & complains that her limbs are falling off & it's terrible to get old. "estoy welto una nada." she gets an eyelash & it's the end of the world. & i don't know if it's bad to get old. i've seen other old people that accept it gracefully. i think wrinkles are beautiful when they're earned. but i really shouldn't have an opinion on this yet. but if i do get old i'll force myself to be insanely cheerful just because it's aesthetic & that's the way i am. i'm in the computer lab wasting my money & i don't care. when i return i want to be educated in classical film and see the amazing vines tom was talking about. he emails me saying he got a plan to leave the country & nothing else. turkey was excellent. it was windy yesterday so the salt water was spraying & i was dancing in it. |
| Monday, August 28th, 2017 |
| 12:02 am |
not turkey, greece. i hung out in rhodes today. went on the beach. the sun was blazing. i'm not going to athens :(. turkey is tomorrow & then venice & then home. last night i got rained on while i slept. i miss doing math. i got wasted last night cuz i was bored & had the nerve for a second to talk politics. at the night club. with flashing lights & lightning balls on the 17th floor of the ship. & i'm thinking i'd better masturbate before i go home, otherwise if i just go home to tom & have sex it'll be weird. the physics of floatation seems actually more complicated than flight. |
| Saturday, August 26th, 2017 |
| 10:13 pm |
on a ship going to turkey & then greece. been to rome, naples(almost got mugged but had a bodyguard) email: >1. remember the little bottle of "jungle juice"? it blew up all over >the cupboard! > >exploded!? into little pieces! I had to clean out the shelf it was on... lots of bits of glass. ahhh! well, you're a scientist, explain it! too bad no one around here knows anything about science.. type up a brief report: i want to know why why an vehicle starts moving, it's possible to jump in the air & have the floor move under you for a split second but not after that. i know theotretically why but somehow it doesn't make sense to me still? the romanian persists. oh yea. & as of yesterday, joe is allowed to say whatever the fuck he wants & i'll have to deal with it. he told me some shit that happened to him that screwed him up so bad, it's perfectly reasonable why he is the way he is. stuff about the corruption of the nypd. he's only one member of the diseased populace, not the devil. i might not want to hang with him but i can forgive him for being an asshole. i saw a meteor last night & felt special. found a thread of myself that i lost track of |
| Thursday, August 24th, 2017 |
| 4:39 am |
i drag my mattres outside on the deck & fall asleep to the waves & the stars & the howling wind. my grandmother leave the bathroom door open & as i turned the corner i saw her ass pointing toward me with her hand w/ the paper wiping it. ahhh. she wakes up when i turn off the game or turn it down a notch. saw italian homeless hippie punks with a lot of dogs carrying the puppies in a big bucket. they were begging for change & eating large sandwiches at the same time. the tour guide said florence is a wonderful city but unfortunately the florentines live there. the cruise thing is a swiz. never take princess cruises if you go on a cruise. they suck. all the liquer is watered down & they try to make you pay for water. they gypt us out of going to barcelona. we didn't get to see any of it cuz the ship left at 1pm. fuckers. i'm gonna bleed all over their sheets. |
| Friday, August 18th, 2017 |
| 9:59 pm |
the fun has started
i've been brought to staten island & so far i've watched my grandmother vomit, tried to eat joe's seafood & almost suceeded but stopped myself before i became nauseaus, got new boots cuz my mother couldn't stand looking at mine & she actually got me to throw the old ones out, played the jawharp over rush limbaugh(do i really want to know how to spell the fucker's name?) on the radio in their SUV. cooked my own garlic spinach observed bumper sticker about being american is to bear arms. quote of the day: "gun's don't kill people. when have you ever seen a gun kill someone on their own?" i have a headache. luckily i made sure to take a bottle of advil, echinacea, guarana seeds, melatonin, valerian root, tea tree oil.. & of course a box of earplugs because my grandmother snores. abuela. she vomited before, you know. & she discovered my scars & then she forgot about them. |
| Wednesday, August 16th, 2017 |
| 9:31 pm |
an empty book to read. a book with random lines a book of medium things |
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valmontnijestra's journal
